How to Raise Good Kids

Anyone with kids, or even anyone who has been around kids, can tell you that kids can certainly test your patience sometimes. They rarely understand a parent's good intentions, and for some reason, we seem too busy to give them the answers they need to understand where we're coming from or feel that we don't have to simply because we're the parent.

I realize there are certain situations, such as when little Johnnie is about to touch the hot stove, where he just needs to stop when you say "stop". However, with immediate physical harm aside, we really should consider stopping and explaining the 'why's' to our kids more.

When I was growing up, I often heard parents say "because I said so" as their reason for asking a child to do something. I never took kindly to the 'I'm bigger than you" mentality. If you can't explain your stand on the issue, why should I do it? I guess I'm just stubborn that way.

I am careful not to be disrespectful when I question things. It only took one smack of mama's wet soapy hand to learn that one. Actually, I got the soapy hand after answering one of her reasons with a sarcastic "so?". Mama didn't like "so" as much as I didn't like "because I said so".

I vowed that I would never say "because I said so" to my kids and I've been true to my promise. I will always explain my position and I've been known to back down on my position a time or two. If all I have left to pull is the "because I say so", then I'll shut up.

The reason I think the why's are so important is that children need that information so that they can use it to form similar conclusions in other similar situations. If they are never told the 'why's' then how can we expect them to fully understand what our stand is on issues?

For instance, if you told a child to clean their room and never told them why what will make them want to continue doing it after the one who said so isn't around anymore? They need to have learned that there are sanitary concerns, fire hazard concerns, and social concerns.

I recently overheard a mother talking about her relationship with her teenage son. She said that he told her that she was the most negative person he had ever met. He said the only thing out of her mouth was criticism. Is it any wonder that he doesn't talk to his mom when he has a problem?

I know she feels that she is trying to help him improve, but he interprets it as nothing is good enough. That's a tough feeling for a child to deal with. Kids that grow up thinking nothing they do is good enough or that they can never please one or both of their parents, have a really tough time with almost everything in their lives.

Their relationships will suffer as they assume their significant other will be the same way. They also seem to spend the rest of their lives seeking that approval from their parents. This often leads to irrational behavior as they go to extremes to do it.

Their careers will suffer as once again they feel their boss will be the same way. They often end up job-hopping.

It all boils down to the damage that has been done to their self-esteem simply from being too negative with your child.

My advice is to pick your battles. Decide what is REALLY important and stop trying to make a 'perfect' clone of whatever you deem perfect to be. Let your child be him/herself. I taught my kids my value system and told them WHY I believe what I believe. I didn't want them to follow in my footsteps because 'that's what mama said to do'. I wanted them to understand my logic and if they believe that way too, great! If not, they were free to believe how they chose but I at least exposed them to my 'why's'.

Remind your child often about how proud you are of them. Do it even when they don't make the same decision you would have made. Praise them for making their own decision. If you have laid good ground work they will want to know where you think they went wrong or they will ask you for your opinion. I have gotten into the habit of asking my daughter if she wants my opinion before I just jump in and give it to her. Most of the time she does want to know. But, when she doesn't, I shut up. It's that simple.