When Domestic Abuse Happens to You

What is domestic abuse? 

In researching some information for this hub I found many different definitions for the difference between domestic abuse and domestic violence. Some feel that domestic abuse is simply a form of domestic violence. Others seem to think that domestic abuse involves emotional or verbal abuse, while domestic violence is more physically abusive. No matter what your definition is, the type of abuse I'm referring to in this hub is of the verbally abusive type where physical violence has not yet become an issue.

Please understand that although this hub is in reference to the male being the abuser, there are women who abuse men as well. Abuse is not limited by gender, age, or race.

You've married the man of your dreams and things are going along well. He's a caring and attentive husband. He's fun to be around and you have so much in common. He's charismatic and intelligent. He's all you've ever wanted and more.

Then he has a drink.

A couple of beers or glasses of wine and he's still the guy you fell for. You tell yourself, "it's no big deal."

Then he has more.

Now he's three quarters of the way through a large bottle of vodka.

At this point, the laughter is gone. His charisma is gone. He no longer resembles the man of your dreams. He's transformed into a rancid, mean-spirited monster that looks for any excuse to lash out with his verbal abuse. Every demon that haunts his soul aches to escape his every pore and you're the target of this rage.

You try to convince yourself that if you just stay out of his way things will blow over and he'll be back to his usual self in a few days. You make excuses for his behavior and sympathize with whatever struggles he must surely be having that makes him put himself through this.

You tell yourself; well at least he's not physically violent. You tell yourself that others will think you're being silly to let words you know he surely doesn't mean get to you. Surely you can ignore his words and not take it so personally. With each drunken binge he promises it was his last and you desperately want to believe him.

What happens when you finally reach that point where you can no longer take the abusive behavior and you see him making no progress in his promise to quit drinking? What happens when you're tired of seeing him destroy himself? What happens when you're tired of this jeopardizing the quality of your relationship? What happens when he seems to be the Mr. Monster more often than Mr. Wonderful?

If you are like most, you desperately want to help him. You sincerely want to save your marriage. You hold on to the hope that just one right turn and things will all be magically back on track.  

If you tell your friends and family you'll get the same story from all of them. "Dump him and run!" They'll spend every last breath trying to tell you how you deserve better and he'll never change and how you'll be so much better without him. None of this is what you want to hear. In fact, you've already mulled over all of these thoughts yourself. It doesn't change the decisions you have to make. The bottom line is you love him. You are willing to try almost anything to make it all ok, to make it work, and to resume life with Mr. Wonderful. The problem is you have no idea how to do this.

When he's drunk you might as well be talking to the wall, so talk of getting help falls on deaf ears. When he's sober, he wants to ignore what happened when he was drunk. He reminds you that it's an unwritten rule that no one speaks later of what one does when they are drunk. He offers this as though it is an acceptable excuse for his behavior. "It's what everyone who drinks believes" he says. "If you were a drinker, you'd understand."

As the sober partner, the situation seems so simple. If you are unable to quit drinking on your own, then you get help. How hard is that? To the partner with the alcohol problem they can't seem to find a foothold to launch from. They want to quit, but are scared to quit for fear they have nothing to replace it with. That's when you realize the crutch that alcohol has become and asking them to quit is like asking them to saw off their leg. That's when you realize the problem isn't quite so simple.

It seems pretty inevitable that unless he gets help, he's not likely to get better. That day eventually comes when you're faced with what could be the toughest decision of your life. Do you leave? Do you throw him out? Does he cross that line where you have to involve the police? It's going to happen. You have to be prepared for it.

To the Abused: If you, or someone you know, is being abused (verbally or certainly physically), talk to someone you trust about it. Reach out and talk about it. You're not going to like, or agree, with much of what you hear from others, but it does help to talk about your feelings. I haven't been physically abused, and certainly can't see myself allowing that to happen beyond the first hit. But, I know it gets complicated, but phyical abuse is a horrible way to live. It is never ok. Get out of that situation immediately and get help for all involved.

To the Abuser: You know who you are. You know that your actions (verbally or physically) have an effect on your partner.  You're probably in denial about how long-lasting and devastating the effects are.  You probably think we're blowing it out of proportion.  Deep down, you do realize that this is not the way to behave. I'm sure you don't feel that you can help yourself when it happens and perhaps it is difficult for you. However, please understand that you need help. There are people that can help you get over the things that cause this behavior. Physically harming some is inexcusable. Don't let things get that far before you get help. If anyone has ever told you that you have anger issues or that you're tough to get along with, then you need help. Accept their advice and get the help you need before you hurt someone.  You deserve to be happy too.